Wise Or Wacked?

Of course most Europeans wonder what we are complaining about. They pay a lot more than Americans do.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed
in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1. “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”
2. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.”
3. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
4. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
5. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
6. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
7. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
8. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
9. “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
10. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
11. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
12.”Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments.”
13. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
14. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
15. “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.”
16. “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
17. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
18. “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
20. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
21. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store.”
22. “Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have
never quit a job.”
23. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
24. “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those
conditions.”
25. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.”
26. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
27. “References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

BY DAVE BARRY

Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A. Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it
will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q. Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A. Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the
group most directly affected.

Q. Lawyers?

A. Yes.

Q. Will the federal government also receive large quantities of
money?

A. Of course.

Q. How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A. By selling more tobacco products.

Q. What if consumers stop buying tobacco products? Continue Reading »

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was
too humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the
most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed!” she harked, “The
garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” . .
. .Pause. . . . . “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

No logical assurance about how a disposal can’t start itself will calm the
fears of a person who suffers from “Big-ol-scary-machinephobia,” a condition
brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies.

It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans
are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and
she was ground into round, I’d have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about
how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence is the last action I
remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth, it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects
she spied between my legs.

She (”Buttons” aka “the Grater”) had been poised around the corner and stalked
me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine
region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.

Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the
full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight”syndrome; men, in
this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I
never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the
impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work
while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be
flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your
tongue?”

If they had only known.

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called “the world.”

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water.

Look. It’s the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up…  just for a quick breath…
then  <ploop!>
…back under they go…

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now…  feeling better?

A guy gets a job at a sex store and “things” aren’t selling too well so his boss decides to take an early lunch. He says, “I’m going out for some lunch. Let’s see how much you can sell before I get back.”

As soon as his boss walks out the door this white woman comes in and says, “Hmm, I’ve never had a black dildo before, I think I’ll take one of those.”

He charges her 30 bucks and says the obligatory ‘Have a nice day.’ About ten minutes later a black woman comes in and says, “I’ve never had a white dildo. Gimmie one of those.” “That’ll be $30,” he says. “Thank you.” Things go slowly for another 20 minutes until this blonde comes in and says, “OH, WOW!!! I’ve never seen a plaid dildo before. How much is
it?” He looks at her and says, “That particular dildo is very rare.  There were only five made in the world. But I could let you have it for $600.” She says, “Only five made! That’s a good deal! I’ll take it.”

A little while later his boss come back and asks how he did.
The guy says,

“Well, I sold a black dildo for $30, a white dildo for $30, and your thermos for $600.”