Wise Or Wacked?

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of
the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful
that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

“The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping
in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly,
“You lied!”

AP 5/29/98
Dateline Tokyo

Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft’s Windows 98 operating system, Sony’s chairman
Asai Tawara said, “We intend to capture the high ground by putting a
human, Japanese face on what has been — until now — an operating
system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have
replaced the usual impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages
with our own Japanese Haiku.”

The chairman went on to give examples of Sony’s new error messages:

- – - – - – - – - – - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- – - – - – - – - – - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- – - – - – - – - – - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- – - – - – - – - – - -
ABORTED effort: Continue Reading »

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she’s back at the doctor.

She says, “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah… “, she says, “that’s okay. We aren’t going back to that Restaurant anyway.”

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No ma’am” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”

back ass-ward sailboat

The boat on which Wrong Way Peachfuz sail eastward into the sunset

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

Always drive with shiny side up and greasy side down.

The size of a man’s shoe shows how large his foot is.

Buttered toast always lands buttered side down on the floor.

The size of a woman’s breasts is not inversely proportional to her intelligence, but proportional to the cost of lingere that you must spend